Heart VS Head

Hello,      It's been a minute. And by "a minute," I suppose I mean three years... I missed you, I hope you missed me too.      A lot has happened these last three years, you might have been there for it. If you were one of those people who I had the pleasure of spending time with, please know that it has been, and will continue to be, my deepest joy to know you. If you have been absent, or are just now joining me, welcome. I hope you feel something from what I write. Perhaps the feelings that inspire my writing will come out on the other end of the screen and make you feel inspired too.  There are some things to know about me now:  I've changed my name to Beau.  I'm living and out as a non-binary human. I use they/them/he pronouns to refer to myself, and you should too. I am partnered with the most beautiful woman in the world. She makes my life magic. I am a life-enjoyer, I just try to experience new things.       It's b...

I unlock when the moon is out And the secrets show like mythic runes The skeletons fall from their hangers and dance my trauma I as their choreographer, their puppeteer After I have chosen to share I flush and vow to never do it again But the next time someone shows me their skeletons Mine will dance with them They dip and sway Creating a beautiful intimacy that is terrifying But so breathtakingly beautiful that my gaze does not drift from their eyes As I see what they have seen. You beautiful soul, Your bravery in dancing your story sets me aflame And I fall in love with you But you cannot possibly do the same for me I am a beast, with horrors unknown I am safe in the day, the sun shows my skin, Its ultraviolet rays giving me flesh and blood Making me unremarkable Do you truly want to be there when it is gone? The night reveals the truth And I am ashamed to watch my skeletons run free. 

I am SO mysterious, she thinks As she dons a face that says it all

There are many survivors Of my Mother Gothel We wear weights on our chest And think ourselves awful   She primps and she preens She thinks she’s all that But when she tells a joke We let it fall flat   We’re over her act We really don’t care Whether she likes us or not She’s out of our hair   On Sunday and Monday We often don’t talk On Tuesday and Wednesday I give her a shock   You work me too hard I carry a huge load “Oh honey you’re wrong, I’m not a fat toad”   On Thursday and Friday There’s hardly a word No interaction No voices are heard Finally on Saturday I say my part I tell her what I mean I share from my heart   Mom, I’m done here And I’m moving out I can’t take it anymore Don’t you dare pout   If I knew you’d miss me I’d be liable to stay I always get sucked back You would find a way   But this time I have The other survivors They tell me of freed...

Moving in Moving on Moving up Mooving (that's what cows do) So, here I am, my dad with a fresh, life-changing medical diagnosis, and we're moving houses to make the coming season* easier for ourselves. My dad is at the best he ever will be again, so making the transition now is the best option. My mom is currently working a salaried, full-time job at Western Seminary, coordinating the move, and helping my dad. My dad is currently working a salaried, full-time job at Regence/Blue Cross Blue Shield and working through his own emotions. I'm a full time student at Mt Hood Community College, I'm supporting my mom, doing most of the packing, and I have a side hustle baby/house/pet sitting. *I said "season" because we really don't know how long this all will be. All of this is just moving towards me. Moving in on me... But I also have community around me that refuse to see me crumble under the pressure. They move towards me to lift me up and give me strength. The...

There are 7 types of love. 1. Eros - passionate, romantic, or sexual love 2. Philia - friendship, mutual goodwill 3. Storge - familial love, commonly between parent and child 4. Agape - universal love, charity, love for strangers, nature, or God 5. Ludus - playful, uncommitted, flirtatious love 6. Pragma - dutiful, enduring love 7. Philautia - self love, self esteem Bonus type: Mania - obsessive love, unhealthy infatuation You know it's love when you buy them coffee every week, simply because you want to. You know it's love when you remain friends even after almost dating. You know it's love when they check in on you unexpectedly. You know it's love when you cover for their weaknesses. You know it's love when they call you out on your crap. You know it's love when you miss them. You know it's love when they do the dishes for you even though you're both tired. You know it's love when they tell you they love you. You know it's love when they buy...

When I don't have the energy to write, I talk. When I don't have the energy to talk, I write. When I don't have the energy to consume, I think. When I don't have the energy to think, I consume. When I don't have the energy to create, I work. When I don't have the energy to work, I create. There's always another option, or an alternative when I don't have the energy. These things take up different types of energy, will power, brain power, physical power. More too, but I'm feeling, not thinking.  I've had to take a good hard look at myself recently. I've discovered triggers, coping mechanisms (good and bad), and lot's of other things that have scientific names or at least something smarter than this sentence. I have no other options except to observe, learn, and act upon my new knowledge. I've learned that I eat socially sometimes. I've learned that cooking is fun. I've learned that I can survive without my support syste...

Heart really really likes the idea of building some walls right now. Being vulnerable and loving hurts too much currently. Head thinks that's a "stupid ass" decision, isolation does nothing to help. Hannah is conflicted. I'm in a few different types of emotional pain right now. Which is okay. But it sure feels like shit.  1. Triflers. Why are boys so darn stupid? Triflers need not apply, if you do I will be disappointed in you, and that's worse than my anger. Clearly it's wonderful to be liked, but you really need to consider what that does to the other person. Another thing, I want to be loved, not toyed with. I have a lot of patience, I would be afraid to see myself snap at the unfortunate soul with a "flirty personality" who took the last straw. 2. Mom. It's a cycle. I am planning on getting off of this nightmarish carnival ride soon. Not sure what that looks like yet, but I'm seriously considering what moving out looks ...

Well, I guess this is what needs to be said. I'm not completely okay. Now, what do I mean by that? I'm not clinically anything, so it's not that. I'm not suffering from a physical disease, so it's not that. I suppose it's more like I'm sad, maybe overwhelmed too. The amount of things that changed in this last year is insane... I cannot possibly list them all because there are so many things, as well as me being quite tired.  I miss family. Like being able to go bug my brothers, or spending too many hours watching Star Trek, or Monk, or Gilligan's Island. I miss having a lot of free time. I miss feeling simpler feelings. Everything is so complicated now, and it just keeps getting worse. Hmm, I almost deleted that word "worse" because I didn't want you guys to freak out. But, I am not going to delete my feelings to make you comfortable with my mental state. I have continued to be strong and "fine" or "surviving" or the o...

There comes a time when you must get to know yourself, and in this case one thing I know about myself is that if I write a blog idea in my phone, I will not write a post about it. So, this being the case, you will not get a post about being a unicycle instead of a third wheel, or a post about men vs women, or a post about why I'm proud of myself this week. I get to delete the note in my phone and move on.  "Moving on." I think most people think about this phrase in the context of the loss of a loved one, or the loss of a relationship. I'm thinking about this in the context of my parents moving on. Moving on from being parents of children, and moving to being parents of adults. I'm the youngest, so this is something I'm entirely unfamiliar with. Instead of fighting for independence like my brothers did, I am essentially given it. What do I do with this? My family system is entirely changing, and I was unprepared for it to come so soon. My oldest brother is ma...

Today I posted a picture of myself on Instagram. I think I look really pretty, but I also look sad. So far only one person commented about the feeling I conveyed, and that was through DMs. Why did people not address it? I think it was a little obvious but people are afraid to read into it. I couldn't figure out why I posted that picture, maybe for validation, or encouragement. Maybe the expression was a cry for help. No, a test. For what reason? I don't know.  I'm feeling a little sad, and a little anxious. Of course I have plenty of my own issues to feel this way about, but I still managed to take on more anxieties that do not belong to me. My mom's. I listened as she talked today. In fact, I started the whole conversation because I felt led to. I can blame myself for that I guess.  Oddly, I started off the day pretty low emotionally. Which I didn't realize until now. My day was like a hill, started off low, had a high in the middle, and now I'm low agai...

I was talking to a friend today who quoted a TEDtalk about self-esteem, "you need to meet yourself, because if you met yourself, I think you'd really like her."  What does this mean, to meet yourself? To walk up to yourself and say "hi, I'm George!" "well hi George, I'm George too!" all whilst shaking hands? I mean, if that feels right, why not? Okay, those are a bunch of silly questions... but in some seriousness, what would it feel like to meet you, if you were someone else? I don't think I've made anyone hate me on first meeting, but I really don't know what it's like. Life isn't all about impressions though, what do people feel like when they've spent a long time with you? I spend all my time with me, so I have no idea how it feels to be apart from me. I don't feel toooooo terrible, I guess that's a good sign.  We humans tend to overthink, huh?  What about meeting yourself, as in coming to the pla...

Let's say I'm making a quilt, because why not?  I'm taking a look at the patches I have to work with, and feel dissatisfied. I think "these aren't what I wanted, some of them have holes in them, or are too small too do anything with!" A thought pops into my head, one that is clearly not my own,  ,   "you're not seeing the full picture." "Oh? Okay what's the full picture then?" "You don't need to know." "How am I supposed to put this quilt together without knowing what it's supposed to look like?" "Trust me." Anybody who knows me and put two and two together knows that this is a cheesy little analogy for life and trusting God. But seriously, I find myself frustrated that I have these strange pieces that I'm supposed to work into my pattern. Up close they seem strange, but when I back up and look at the work God has done so far, I see part of the picture he's creating. A flower her...

I'm wonderful because of how my nose curves up at the end, my eyes that search for the answers to all my questions, and my eyebrows that can't help but show what I'm feeling. I'm wonderful because my big hair can't seem to decide if it's curly or straight. I'm wonderful when I laugh too loud or snort at a joke that surprises me. I'm wonderful when my voice cracks because I get too excited, or when my eyes go wide because of what I've just been told. I'm wonderful because of my collection of plaid shirts and scrunchies that I wear all the time. I'm wonderful when I say things that make me giggle, the little phrases I can't seem to get out of my brain until I express them loudly.  I'm wonderful because I love to hear what people have to say, there's nothing that makes me happier than when I see people talking about their favorite things. I'm wonderful because I've grown to care less about what other people think, though ...

I had the wonderful opportunity to house sit for 10 days over winter break. It was amazing. I loved the complete freedom to make my schedule and not have to worry about life for a while. I hung out with friends, watched movies I had been meaning to watch, got creative, and spent my time doing what I loved without the fear of "what would my mom think." But, reality strikes when I must go home.  Home I went, and home I would not like to stay. I took the time to catch up with my parents, talking about our weeks and going over the calendar for the next week. That conversation drained me more than cleaning up 15 piles of cat vomit.  Words I heard from my mom: "you having the car makes it hard for me" "don't you think it's manipulative that you..." "don't get your hopes up" Words I did not hear from my mom: "I'm happy to see you" "Glad you're home" "Welcome back" "How are ...

OOOF. I just said "no" to my mom. I feel guilty and relieved.  The situation: I encouraged my mom to do an event that would benefit other people. I was invited, but being ill-prepared for the occasion, I told her I would not be able to make it.  Heart's perspective: Not being ready for the event, it not being required for me, not being ready for it, nor it hinging on me, going would stress me more than it would bless me (poetry, right?). I would rather stay home and write a blog post. Head's perspective: Having encouraged my mom to host the event, and it not taking much energy to go, I should attend. I would learn fun and slightly valuable skills. I did decide to say no, and stay home. I am glad I did so, as I wasn't ready and the energy it would take to become ready was a large and stressful amount. The problem is, there is some guilt. It may have been the tone that was associated with the "fine," or my realization that I did encourage th...

So far, I've really only written when I was emotional, but right now, I'm fine. Not high, not low, very very very neutral. I want to sit in it a bit, really feel the beige-ness, minimalist-white walls, default phone wallpaper, blank metal water bottle, un-ripped plain blue jeans, Labrador family dog, neutrality of it all. Right now, default feels good.   Don't get me wrong, I love being in a good mood. But sometimes, finding the middle ground again is more important than finding another up. I go from low, to lower to high high high! In the end, wearing myself out on that darned emotional roller-coaster. Take a break, friend. You are not made to be worn out, weary, and in survival mode. Settle. Sit. Be. Okay? Pick yourself up, move slowly, walk over to the window and watch the world. Watch things go by, for just a few minutes. What have you lost by slowing down?  Exit the rat-race, it doesn't deserve you. Do not allow yourself to slowly chip off into the w...

Enneagram, you've heard of it. If not, go look it up and come back to me, I'm not an expert and I don't have time to teach you. You've done your research? Okay. Here's the tea, I have been trying to figure out what type I am for a couple weeks now. Since school has been out I've been almost listless, not feeling myself, truly puttering. When I first learned about the Enneagram, I was a two (the helper), during the school year, I felt like a three (the achiever), and now, I am a nine (the peacemaker). So many emotional things have happened to me during this winter break that I feel like I've come out a different person, reacting in ways I've never reacted before. I was helping my mom host a 25(ish) person event at my house, and was incredibly overwhelmed. Mainly my mom and certain friends of hers were the culprit. Even though I knew nearly every person there, I had to keep escaping to calm myself down. This feels very out of character for me, I of...

Christmas day is nearly over. I feel much more peace than I did earlier. Funny how family, laughter, and connection does that to you. I talked and wrote out my feelings, stopped thinking about myself, and got shit done. She's on top of it babey! The thing is, as soon as I stopped thinking about how crappy I felt, I nearly instantly felt better. BUT, one cannot just dismiss negative feelings. They must be dealt with. No burying the weeds, we pull those fuckers out. Weed number 1: Am I missing Christmas? It may feel that way, but Head is reminding me that I  gave gifts, received gifts, played holiday games, took part in advent, watched Christmas movies, and sang 'Frosty the Snowman' one too many times. I did not miss Christmas. Weed number 2: Are my friends tired of taking care of me? Perhaps. I have received a lot from them, but they've given it freely, no strings attached. What would be the purpose of attaching strings now? Doing so would negate the love that th...

I'm writing this post Christmas day, feeling confused. Overrun by sadness and grief recently, I feel as though a wind could blow me over. A kind word brings me to tears. Emotional turbulence, vulnerability, reliance. I feel weak. I prefer to be the strong person who comes in and supports others, yet I am so needy at this time. I feel guilty needing so much right now, as if people will only give me so much and then expect me to make it on my own. Do I deserve to be loved unconditionally?? Why or why not? Who gets to decide my worth? If I only leave it up to others, I will lose my own self-worth, and every negative "review" will affect me deeply. If I leave it up to only myself, I could have an over-inflated view of myself, not recognizing my flaws and mistakes, or I could dismiss my strengths and talents. I must find a balance between the two. Balance is very hard for me, I am aware of how I throw myself into things, not managing myself in the moment. A large flaw.  Le...