Heart VS Head: The third one

Enneagram, you've heard of it. If not, go look it up and come back to me, I'm not an expert and I don't have time to teach you.

You've done your research? Okay. Here's the tea, I have been trying to figure out what type I am for a couple weeks now. Since school has been out I've been almost listless, not feeling myself, truly puttering. When I first learned about the Enneagram, I was a two (the helper), during the school year, I felt like a three (the achiever), and now, I am a nine (the peacemaker). So many emotional things have happened to me during this winter break that I feel like I've come out a different person, reacting in ways I've never reacted before.

I was helping my mom host a 25(ish) person event at my house, and was incredibly overwhelmed. Mainly my mom and certain friends of hers were the culprit. Even though I knew nearly every person there, I had to keep escaping to calm myself down. This feels very out of character for me, I often like talking to people, engaging, conversing, bantering with them. It seems that something has changed. My perspective, I believe, is the most important factor to this. I as a person really have not changed that much, it is the way I am reacting to things around me. 

Reacting to the party, for instance, I was overstimulated and wanted quiet. I have been overwhelmed at several events recently, and discovering my 9-ness really explains that. 9s often seem like healthy 3s when they're growing, and 6s (the loyalist) when they're stressed. Which explains why I was having a crisis over whether or not people were tired of me on Christmas... ANYWAY, if I keep assuming I am a 3, and beat myself up over not being okay at a party, that just hurts me more. Accepting myself for who I am is the first step to loving myself. I do love myself, but it tends to be when I am more 3-like, the star of the show, dazzling and charming people. Not when I'm overwhelmed. 

But fuck that, ya know? 9 Hannah is just as valid as 3 Hannah. 9 Hannah is sensitive, emotionally aware, not letting herself get caught in the landslide of human opinion. She does things that are good for her, she still stretches herself, but creates a safe space as well. She is cool as hell and doesn't need to worry about rocking the boat. If people don't want the boat rocked, stay on the land, Hannah's coming to town and she's feeling bold.

Heart got control today, ciao babes

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