An Update

Hello,

    It's been a minute. And by "a minute," I suppose I mean three years... I missed you, I hope you missed me too.

    A lot has happened these last three years, you might have been there for it. If you were one of those people who I had the pleasure of spending time with, please know that it has been, and will continue to be, my deepest joy to know you. If you have been absent, or are just now joining me, welcome. I hope you feel something from what I write. Perhaps the feelings that inspire my writing will come out on the other end of the screen and make you feel inspired too. 

There are some things to know about me now: 

• I've changed my name to Beau. 
• I'm living and out as a non-binary human.
• I use they/them/he pronouns to refer to myself, and you should too.
• I am partnered with the most beautiful woman in the world. She makes my life magic.
• I am a life-enjoyer, I just try to experience new things. 

    It's been a stressful three years. I think there is something to the whole "diamonds form under pressure" thing. Pressure forces people to not be lukewarm, milquetoast. I've learned to take harder stances on things I believe. I've learned to act on my beliefs, instead of just talking about them. I've learned to rest.

    I think a bit of a timeline might be helpful, so lets go over it. CW: heavy topics.

    Early 2020, a pandemic hit the world. COVID-19 (A.K.A. Corona, Coronavirus, covid). This brought on a lockdown. I couldn't see my friends. Couldn't go to school. Couldn't leave the house. I was stuck at home with my parents. The only solace I had was the internet. Tiktok, Instagram, and Discord all became my community. I spent a lot of time using those apps, just trying to find a reason to continue on. It was hard. 

    Later that year, my parents decided it was time to move to what they hoped would be their forever home. Something that took less maintenance, and was more accessible. Through a series of decisions by my parents, I became the main person packing up the entire home. It was essentially a 5-bedroom home with 4 kids-worth of homeschooling materials, physical media, games, and memories. Through the paid help of some of my friends, the house was packed and ready to move to Washington State. I, however, was saddled with so much that it broke me. The burden of living in a pandemic, doing full-time school online, and packing up a childhood home. I remember confronting my mom about old, expired pantry items, asking, "why did you never purge these?" I honestly don't remember what she said, but I remember being dissatisfied with the answer. It wasn't really about the pantry items or the possibly thousands of books I had to pack. It was that I was the one taking care of it. I didn't understand why my parents weren't the ones responsible for boxing up the home, or purging the expired canned goods, or donating some of the books that had decades out-of-date science in them. I told my mom later that week I was moving out to my grandparent's home, like my brothers did before me.

I lived with my grandparents between November 2020 and July 2021. It was supposed to be a first step towards adulthood and indepence. I continued my schooling while I was there, and I got a couple of consistent babysitting jobs. It wasn't perfect, but it was a step that I was happy with. I spent time with friends, worked on school, and had some mental breakdowns about gender, sexuality, and Christianity. Those breakdowns led to me understanding that I wasn't straight or cisgender, and that it was okay not to be. At the time I hadn't nailed what labels fit me best, but it was a brilliant start. I started to become more confident in it and told more people about me being queer. Unfortunately, news traveled to my aunt. Through a pointed and rash comment she made to my grandparents, I was outed as gay to them. I remember my oldest brother calling me while I was at a friends house. He told me I had been outed and they were going to confront me and tell me I had to move out by the end of the month. I sat and sobbed on my friend's front steps. 

I drove home very late that night. I don't remember how I slept, but I can't imagine it was well. I woke up the next morning with a pit in my stomach. A black hole sucking me in. As I was getting myself some breakfast, my grandfather came in to talk to me. He asked me if I was gay, and I did not lie. He told me what my brother had said the night before: I needed to move out by the end of the month. 

I had no idea what to do. I had hardly any money, I couldn't go back to my parents. I felt like I was drowning. 

I remember being numb and desperate for reprieve. I wondered what would happen to me.

Although I was being dragged into a depression, I am stubborn as hell. Normally stubborn people don't do this, but I started reaching out for help. I wanted to be okay. I talked to my school advisor, and the food pantry at my college. I reached out to friends. Friends who got me through some of the darkest times of my life. My second oldest brother moved out of the grandparents' with me. He told them, "Whatever you do to [Beau] you do to me." One of my closest friend's moms started reaching out to people and organizing for me. Through the support of I-really-don't-know-how-many community members, they raised $3,000 for me and my brother to put the deposit on an apartment and buy the basics we needed. People I knew and didn't know alike gave us a TV, a dining table, chairs, couches, a bed, a toaster oven, food, pots/pans, mixing bowls, a knife set, and so many other things. I will forever be grateful and in debt to the people that donated to me. You'll have to excuse me if this sounds cheesy, but I will always think of that time like it's the ending of It's A Wonderful Life when the community comes together to help George Bailey, in turn saving both his business and his life. 

My brother and I rented (very cheaply, I might add) a couple of rooms from a friend until we were able to find an apartment and move into it in August of 2021. It was a classic landlord-special apartment. They had painted over lots of things; the shower tile, cabinet handles, door hardware, and a couple of dry pasta noodles in the pantry... but it was home. I was able to get a housekeeping job that paid decently while still babysitting and doing school full time. 

I transferred to the hotel front desk at my job and quit babysitting. In spring of 2022 I was able to finish my schooling and graduate with a 4.0 GPA. It was hard-earned, and I am still so proud of those efforts. 

For the next year and a half I spent time with my friends, worked my way up at my job, and focused on healing and getting out of the survival mode I had been stuck in for so very long. 

Everything changed for me in December of 2022. That's when I met the most beautiful woman in the world and went on a date with her. And another, and another. And we both asked each other to be offically dating. We're almost two years in, and my life is a million times better with her in it. 

These days, my life is full of love and community. I am at peace and becoming more myself everyday. My body and mind are aligned, and I am excited for the future. 

There will be another post coming after this one about the wonderful month I'm having, which I hope you will read as well. 

Thank you so much for your time, and for following along with my journey. I hope that you found a nugget to take along with you as you go through your own life changing, brain chemistry altering, earth shattering experiences. I hope you find your community and tribe to be there with you, as I have. I wouldn't be alive without them.

With love, 

Beau.