Heart VS Head: Return to "normal"

I had the wonderful opportunity to house sit for 10 days over winter break. It was amazing. I loved the complete freedom to make my schedule and not have to worry about life for a while. I hung out with friends, watched movies I had been meaning to watch, got creative, and spent my time doing what I loved without the fear of "what would my mom think." But, reality strikes when I must go home. 

Home I went, and home I would not like to stay. I took the time to catch up with my parents, talking about our weeks and going over the calendar for the next week. That conversation drained me more than cleaning up 15 piles of cat vomit. 

Words I heard from my mom:
"you having the car makes it hard for me"
"don't you think it's manipulative that you..."
"don't get your hopes up"

Words I did not hear from my mom:
"I'm happy to see you"
"Glad you're home"
"Welcome back"
"How are you"

Oh, what a deep cut that is. Feeling like a burden to a parent, feeling judgement, a lack of grace, an absence of fondness. During the time I was away I felt myself grow! Thrive! Even hope! My relationship with God grew, spending more time alone allowed for me to hear him more, and rely on him. I looked forward to every day, knowing I could enjoy it to the fullest. I created. Something that is often hard at home, feeling stifled, in survival mode. I can't afford to grow beautiful flowers when I'm afraid that my mom is going to be coming by any minute, ready to pluck them off. I keep my favorite things secret, that way she can't judge the way they grew, stealing the joy from it. 


That, I can safely say, is not "normal." It may be common, but it's not normal. 

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