Heart VS Head: Being okay with not being okay
Well, I guess this is what needs to be said. I'm not completely okay. Now, what do I mean by that? I'm not clinically anything, so it's not that. I'm not suffering from a physical disease, so it's not that. I suppose it's more like I'm sad, maybe overwhelmed too. The amount of things that changed in this last year is insane... I cannot possibly list them all because there are so many things, as well as me being quite tired.
I miss family. Like being able to go bug my brothers, or spending too many hours watching Star Trek, or Monk, or Gilligan's Island. I miss having a lot of free time. I miss feeling simpler feelings. Everything is so complicated now, and it just keeps getting worse. Hmm, I almost deleted that word "worse" because I didn't want you guys to freak out. But, I am not going to delete my feelings to make you comfortable with my mental state. I have continued to be strong and "fine" or "surviving" or the one who will "get through it" for a long time. While that's still true about me, I am going to show the other side more. "The other side" being the part where I'm sad, or don't have something funny to say. The one who doesn't have the time or energy to comfort you, "because well, you're sad too."
I'm going to let myself receive a little bit. I have sat in the state of "oh no, i don't deserve that love, they don't know me well enough yet" for way too long. Way too long. I'm 18, and gosh darn it, if that isn't a good time to learn this I don't know when is. I am worth loving.
Back to not being okay though. I always figured I had to be okay or people wouldn't love me. B.S. devil, B.S. Clearly, I am still alive, so people have loved me when I wasn't okay before. Not being okay doesn't mean I've suddenly turned into a danger to myself, it means that I'm in need. If my dog wasn't okay I wouldn't just grimace and avoid her, I'd do everything I could to help her get better. Sometimes you just have to lay down and be sad.
Moral of the story, embrace all your feelings or you will write about them on your blog that you started in the middle of emotional times.
I miss family. Like being able to go bug my brothers, or spending too many hours watching Star Trek, or Monk, or Gilligan's Island. I miss having a lot of free time. I miss feeling simpler feelings. Everything is so complicated now, and it just keeps getting worse. Hmm, I almost deleted that word "worse" because I didn't want you guys to freak out. But, I am not going to delete my feelings to make you comfortable with my mental state. I have continued to be strong and "fine" or "surviving" or the one who will "get through it" for a long time. While that's still true about me, I am going to show the other side more. "The other side" being the part where I'm sad, or don't have something funny to say. The one who doesn't have the time or energy to comfort you, "because well, you're sad too."
I'm going to let myself receive a little bit. I have sat in the state of "oh no, i don't deserve that love, they don't know me well enough yet" for way too long. Way too long. I'm 18, and gosh darn it, if that isn't a good time to learn this I don't know when is. I am worth loving.
Back to not being okay though. I always figured I had to be okay or people wouldn't love me. B.S. devil, B.S. Clearly, I am still alive, so people have loved me when I wasn't okay before. Not being okay doesn't mean I've suddenly turned into a danger to myself, it means that I'm in need. If my dog wasn't okay I wouldn't just grimace and avoid her, I'd do everything I could to help her get better. Sometimes you just have to lay down and be sad.
Moral of the story, embrace all your feelings or you will write about them on your blog that you started in the middle of emotional times.
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