Heart VS Head: Rambles of the Heart

Today I posted a picture of myself on Instagram. I think I look really pretty, but I also look sad. So far only one person commented about the feeling I conveyed, and that was through DMs. Why did people not address it? I think it was a little obvious but people are afraid to read into it. I couldn't figure out why I posted that picture, maybe for validation, or encouragement. Maybe the expression was a cry for help. No, a test. For what reason? I don't know. 

I'm feeling a little sad, and a little anxious. Of course I have plenty of my own issues to feel this way about, but I still managed to take on more anxieties that do not belong to me. My mom's. I listened as she talked today. In fact, I started the whole conversation because I felt led to. I can blame myself for that I guess. 

Oddly, I started off the day pretty low emotionally. Which I didn't realize until now. My day was like a hill, started off low, had a high in the middle, and now I'm low again. I am again drained of myself, I will just be and let God. 

That's the whole thing huh? The smallest things tend to become so big to me, that it's impossible for me to get past them. But God, nothing can stop him. If I'm honest, I love not being responsible for my life. Okay. Yeah I know that sounds crazy as heck, but God gets to be in charge of me, he's like a cool manager that plays to your strengths and gives you the best bonuses. 

Some things I loved today:
A soft blanket
My dog sighing
My brother coming to church with me
Doing a fashion show to cheer up my mom
Black Rock coffee
Stew
Telling someone about the 5 Love Languages and the Enneagram
Listening to Heathers again
Doing real good on homework
Excel spreadsheets
My eyeliner and hair duo *chef kiss*
Sunshine
Showing someone my pins
Using a very-secret inside-the-jacket pocket

Here's a real secret. I have two unpublished blog posts because they felt too personal. You may never know, or maybe you will down the road. Yeet bois

Ciao cooty squad

Comments

  1. AJFebruary 24, 2020 at 1:34 AM

    It's definitely okay to feel down Hannah. There will be times when people feel that way, and I have realized that it is not a bad thing to feel low sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BeauMarch 3, 2020 at 9:46 PM

      Thank you, AJ. You validate me. I'll just be in my feelings.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

An Update

Hello,      It's been a minute. And by "a minute," I suppose I mean three years... I missed you, I hope you missed me too.      A lot has happened these last three years, you might have been there for it. If you were one of those people who I had the pleasure of spending time with, please know that it has been, and will continue to be, my deepest joy to know you. If you have been absent, or are just now joining me, welcome. I hope you feel something from what I write. Perhaps the feelings that inspire my writing will come out on the other end of the screen and make you feel inspired too.  There are some things to know about me now:  I've changed my name to Beau.  I'm living and out as a non-binary human. I use they/them/he pronouns to refer to myself, and you should too. I am partnered with the most beautiful woman in the world. She makes my life magic. I am a life-enjoyer, I just try to experience new things.       It's b...
Read more

Heart VS Head: Why I'm Wonderful And Why It Matters

I'm wonderful because of how my nose curves up at the end, my eyes that search for the answers to all my questions, and my eyebrows that can't help but show what I'm feeling. I'm wonderful because my big hair can't seem to decide if it's curly or straight. I'm wonderful when I laugh too loud or snort at a joke that surprises me. I'm wonderful when my voice cracks because I get too excited, or when my eyes go wide because of what I've just been told. I'm wonderful because of my collection of plaid shirts and scrunchies that I wear all the time. I'm wonderful when I say things that make me giggle, the little phrases I can't seem to get out of my brain until I express them loudly.  I'm wonderful because I love to hear what people have to say, there's nothing that makes me happier than when I see people talking about their favorite things. I'm wonderful because I've grown to care less about what other people think, though ...
Read more

My Mother Gothel (Poem)

There are many survivors Of my Mother Gothel We wear weights on our chest And think ourselves awful   She primps and she preens She thinks she’s all that But when she tells a joke We let it fall flat   We’re over her act We really don’t care Whether she likes us or not She’s out of our hair   On Sunday and Monday We often don’t talk On Tuesday and Wednesday I give her a shock   You work me too hard I carry a huge load “Oh honey you’re wrong, I’m not a fat toad”   On Thursday and Friday There’s hardly a word No interaction No voices are heard Finally on Saturday I say my part I tell her what I mean I share from my heart   Mom, I’m done here And I’m moving out I can’t take it anymore Don’t you dare pout   If I knew you’d miss me I’d be liable to stay I always get sucked back You would find a way   But this time I have The other survivors They tell me of freed...
Read more