Heart VS Head: The first one
I'm writing this post Christmas day, feeling confused. Overrun by sadness and grief recently, I feel as though a wind could blow me over. A kind word brings me to tears. Emotional turbulence, vulnerability, reliance. I feel weak. I prefer to be the strong person who comes in and supports others, yet I am so needy at this time. I feel guilty needing so much right now, as if people will only give me so much and then expect me to make it on my own. Do I deserve to be loved unconditionally?? Why or why not? Who gets to decide my worth?
If I only leave it up to others, I will lose my own self-worth, and every negative "review" will affect me deeply. If I leave it up to only myself, I could have an over-inflated view of myself, not recognizing my flaws and mistakes, or I could dismiss my strengths and talents. I must find a balance between the two. Balance is very hard for me, I am aware of how I throw myself into things, not managing myself in the moment. A large flaw.
Let me fill you in: I live in a Christian household, and I love Jesus. We do not celebrate Christmas. Why? My mother believes there is nothing redeemable about it because the holiday has pagan roots. So, we celebrate Hanukkah, and celebrate Jesus' birth around Passover (we don't celebrate Easter for similar reasons). Growing up we did partake in Christmas though. This leaves me in a strange place. I feel torn between my past mother who did celebrate Christmas and my current mother who celebrates Hanukkah. In the tension, I collapse. I want to give up on the holidays and just do something, anything else.
I have friends who have brought me into their lives, giving me gifts, having me over Christmas eve, letting me be part of the family.
I feel unworthy.
They keep giving.
I start withdrawing.
They ask "are you okay?"
I am vulnerable.
They love on me.
I cry alone.
I feel unworthy of this, why do they think I am worth the time?
Could this be balance? Should I just trust that they see my worth, even when I cannot? They have only done me good, I will trust them. Today, the head wins.
If I only leave it up to others, I will lose my own self-worth, and every negative "review" will affect me deeply. If I leave it up to only myself, I could have an over-inflated view of myself, not recognizing my flaws and mistakes, or I could dismiss my strengths and talents. I must find a balance between the two. Balance is very hard for me, I am aware of how I throw myself into things, not managing myself in the moment. A large flaw.
Let me fill you in: I live in a Christian household, and I love Jesus. We do not celebrate Christmas. Why? My mother believes there is nothing redeemable about it because the holiday has pagan roots. So, we celebrate Hanukkah, and celebrate Jesus' birth around Passover (we don't celebrate Easter for similar reasons). Growing up we did partake in Christmas though. This leaves me in a strange place. I feel torn between my past mother who did celebrate Christmas and my current mother who celebrates Hanukkah. In the tension, I collapse. I want to give up on the holidays and just do something, anything else.
I have friends who have brought me into their lives, giving me gifts, having me over Christmas eve, letting me be part of the family.
I feel unworthy.
They keep giving.
I start withdrawing.
They ask "are you okay?"
I am vulnerable.
They love on me.
I cry alone.
I feel unworthy of this, why do they think I am worth the time?
Could this be balance? Should I just trust that they see my worth, even when I cannot? They have only done me good, I will trust them. Today, the head wins.
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