Heart VS Head

There are many survivors Of my Mother Gothel We wear weights on our chest And think ourselves awful   She primps and she preens She thinks she’s all that But when she tells a joke We let it fall flat   We’re over her act We really don’t care Whether she likes us or not She’s out of our hair   On Sunday and Monday We often don’t talk On Tuesday and Wednesday I give her a shock   You work me too hard I carry a huge load “Oh honey you’re wrong, I’m not a fat toad”   On Thursday and Friday There’s hardly a word No interaction No voices are heard Finally on Saturday I say my part I tell her what I mean I share from my heart   Mom, I’m done here And I’m moving out I can’t take it anymore Don’t you dare pout   If I knew you’d miss me I’d be liable to stay I always get sucked back You would find a way   But this time I have The other survivors They tell me of freed...

Moving in Moving on Moving up Mooving (that's what cows do) So, here I am, my dad with a fresh, life-changing medical diagnosis, and we're moving houses to make the coming season* easier for ourselves. My dad is at the best he ever will be again, so making the transition now is the best option. My mom is currently working a salaried, full-time job at Western Seminary, coordinating the move, and helping my dad. My dad is currently working a salaried, full-time job at Regence/Blue Cross Blue Shield and working through his own emotions. I'm a full time student at Mt Hood Community College, I'm supporting my mom, doing most of the packing, and I have a side hustle baby/house/pet sitting. *I said "season" because we really don't know how long this all will be. All of this is just moving towards me. Moving in on me... But I also have community around me that refuse to see me crumble under the pressure. They move towards me to lift me up and give me strength. The...

There are 7 types of love. 1. Eros - passionate, romantic, or sexual love 2. Philia - friendship, mutual goodwill 3. Storge - familial love, commonly between parent and child 4. Agape - universal love, charity, love for strangers, nature, or God 5. Ludus - playful, uncommitted, flirtatious love 6. Pragma - dutiful, enduring love 7. Philautia - self love, self esteem Bonus type: Mania - obsessive love, unhealthy infatuation You know it's love when you buy them coffee every week, simply because you want to. You know it's love when you remain friends even after almost dating. You know it's love when they check in on you unexpectedly. You know it's love when you cover for their weaknesses. You know it's love when they call you out on your crap. You know it's love when you miss them. You know it's love when they do the dishes for you even though you're both tired. You know it's love when they tell you they love you. You know it's love when they buy...

When I don't have the energy to write, I talk. When I don't have the energy to talk, I write. When I don't have the energy to consume, I think. When I don't have the energy to think, I consume. When I don't have the energy to create, I work. When I don't have the energy to work, I create. There's always another option, or an alternative when I don't have the energy. These things take up different types of energy, will power, brain power, physical power. More too, but I'm feeling, not thinking.  I've had to take a good hard look at myself recently. I've discovered triggers, coping mechanisms (good and bad), and lot's of other things that have scientific names or at least something smarter than this sentence. I have no other options except to observe, learn, and act upon my new knowledge. I've learned that I eat socially sometimes. I've learned that cooking is fun. I've learned that I can survive without my support syste...

Heart really really likes the idea of building some walls right now. Being vulnerable and loving hurts too much currently. Head thinks that's a "stupid ass" decision, isolation does nothing to help. Hannah is conflicted. I'm in a few different types of emotional pain right now. Which is okay. But it sure feels like shit.  1. Triflers. Why are boys so darn stupid? Triflers need not apply, if you do I will be disappointed in you, and that's worse than my anger. Clearly it's wonderful to be liked, but you really need to consider what that does to the other person. Another thing, I want to be loved, not toyed with. I have a lot of patience, I would be afraid to see myself snap at the unfortunate soul with a "flirty personality" who took the last straw. 2. Mom. It's a cycle. I am planning on getting off of this nightmarish carnival ride soon. Not sure what that looks like yet, but I'm seriously considering what moving out looks ...

Well, I guess this is what needs to be said. I'm not completely okay. Now, what do I mean by that? I'm not clinically anything, so it's not that. I'm not suffering from a physical disease, so it's not that. I suppose it's more like I'm sad, maybe overwhelmed too. The amount of things that changed in this last year is insane... I cannot possibly list them all because there are so many things, as well as me being quite tired.  I miss family. Like being able to go bug my brothers, or spending too many hours watching Star Trek, or Monk, or Gilligan's Island. I miss having a lot of free time. I miss feeling simpler feelings. Everything is so complicated now, and it just keeps getting worse. Hmm, I almost deleted that word "worse" because I didn't want you guys to freak out. But, I am not going to delete my feelings to make you comfortable with my mental state. I have continued to be strong and "fine" or "surviving" or the o...

There comes a time when you must get to know yourself, and in this case one thing I know about myself is that if I write a blog idea in my phone, I will not write a post about it. So, this being the case, you will not get a post about being a unicycle instead of a third wheel, or a post about men vs women, or a post about why I'm proud of myself this week. I get to delete the note in my phone and move on.  "Moving on." I think most people think about this phrase in the context of the loss of a loved one, or the loss of a relationship. I'm thinking about this in the context of my parents moving on. Moving on from being parents of children, and moving to being parents of adults. I'm the youngest, so this is something I'm entirely unfamiliar with. Instead of fighting for independence like my brothers did, I am essentially given it. What do I do with this? My family system is entirely changing, and I was unprepared for it to come so soon. My oldest brother is ma...