Heart VS Head

Well, I guess this is what needs to be said. I'm not completely okay. Now, what do I mean by that? I'm not clinically anything, so it's not that. I'm not suffering from a physical disease, so it's not that. I suppose it's more like I'm sad, maybe overwhelmed too. The amount of things that changed in this last year is insane... I cannot possibly list them all because there are so many things, as well as me being quite tired.  I miss family. Like being able to go bug my brothers, or spending too many hours watching Star Trek, or Monk, or Gilligan's Island. I miss having a lot of free time. I miss feeling simpler feelings. Everything is so complicated now, and it just keeps getting worse. Hmm, I almost deleted that word "worse" because I didn't want you guys to freak out. But, I am not going to delete my feelings to make you comfortable with my mental state. I have continued to be strong and "fine" or "surviving" or the o...

There comes a time when you must get to know yourself, and in this case one thing I know about myself is that if I write a blog idea in my phone, I will not write a post about it. So, this being the case, you will not get a post about being a unicycle instead of a third wheel, or a post about men vs women, or a post about why I'm proud of myself this week. I get to delete the note in my phone and move on.  "Moving on." I think most people think about this phrase in the context of the loss of a loved one, or the loss of a relationship. I'm thinking about this in the context of my parents moving on. Moving on from being parents of children, and moving to being parents of adults. I'm the youngest, so this is something I'm entirely unfamiliar with. Instead of fighting for independence like my brothers did, I am essentially given it. What do I do with this? My family system is entirely changing, and I was unprepared for it to come so soon. My oldest brother is ma...

Today I posted a picture of myself on Instagram. I think I look really pretty, but I also look sad. So far only one person commented about the feeling I conveyed, and that was through DMs. Why did people not address it? I think it was a little obvious but people are afraid to read into it. I couldn't figure out why I posted that picture, maybe for validation, or encouragement. Maybe the expression was a cry for help. No, a test. For what reason? I don't know.  I'm feeling a little sad, and a little anxious. Of course I have plenty of my own issues to feel this way about, but I still managed to take on more anxieties that do not belong to me. My mom's. I listened as she talked today. In fact, I started the whole conversation because I felt led to. I can blame myself for that I guess.  Oddly, I started off the day pretty low emotionally. Which I didn't realize until now. My day was like a hill, started off low, had a high in the middle, and now I'm low agai...

I was talking to a friend today who quoted a TEDtalk about self-esteem, "you need to meet yourself, because if you met yourself, I think you'd really like her."  What does this mean, to meet yourself? To walk up to yourself and say "hi, I'm George!" "well hi George, I'm George too!" all whilst shaking hands? I mean, if that feels right, why not? Okay, those are a bunch of silly questions... but in some seriousness, what would it feel like to meet you, if you were someone else? I don't think I've made anyone hate me on first meeting, but I really don't know what it's like. Life isn't all about impressions though, what do people feel like when they've spent a long time with you? I spend all my time with me, so I have no idea how it feels to be apart from me. I don't feel toooooo terrible, I guess that's a good sign.  We humans tend to overthink, huh?  What about meeting yourself, as in coming to the pla...

Let's say I'm making a quilt, because why not?  I'm taking a look at the patches I have to work with, and feel dissatisfied. I think "these aren't what I wanted, some of them have holes in them, or are too small too do anything with!" A thought pops into my head, one that is clearly not my own,  ,   "you're not seeing the full picture." "Oh? Okay what's the full picture then?" "You don't need to know." "How am I supposed to put this quilt together without knowing what it's supposed to look like?" "Trust me." Anybody who knows me and put two and two together knows that this is a cheesy little analogy for life and trusting God. But seriously, I find myself frustrated that I have these strange pieces that I'm supposed to work into my pattern. Up close they seem strange, but when I back up and look at the work God has done so far, I see part of the picture he's creating. A flower her...

I'm wonderful because of how my nose curves up at the end, my eyes that search for the answers to all my questions, and my eyebrows that can't help but show what I'm feeling. I'm wonderful because my big hair can't seem to decide if it's curly or straight. I'm wonderful when I laugh too loud or snort at a joke that surprises me. I'm wonderful when my voice cracks because I get too excited, or when my eyes go wide because of what I've just been told. I'm wonderful because of my collection of plaid shirts and scrunchies that I wear all the time. I'm wonderful when I say things that make me giggle, the little phrases I can't seem to get out of my brain until I express them loudly.  I'm wonderful because I love to hear what people have to say, there's nothing that makes me happier than when I see people talking about their favorite things. I'm wonderful because I've grown to care less about what other people think, though ...

I had the wonderful opportunity to house sit for 10 days over winter break. It was amazing. I loved the complete freedom to make my schedule and not have to worry about life for a while. I hung out with friends, watched movies I had been meaning to watch, got creative, and spent my time doing what I loved without the fear of "what would my mom think." But, reality strikes when I must go home.  Home I went, and home I would not like to stay. I took the time to catch up with my parents, talking about our weeks and going over the calendar for the next week. That conversation drained me more than cleaning up 15 piles of cat vomit.  Words I heard from my mom: "you having the car makes it hard for me" "don't you think it's manipulative that you..." "don't get your hopes up" Words I did not hear from my mom: "I'm happy to see you" "Glad you're home" "Welcome back" "How are ...