Heart VS Head

So far, I've really only written when I was emotional, but right now, I'm fine. Not high, not low, very very very neutral. I want to sit in it a bit, really feel the beige-ness, minimalist-white walls, default phone wallpaper, blank metal water bottle, un-ripped plain blue jeans, Labrador family dog, neutrality of it all. Right now, default feels good.   Don't get me wrong, I love being in a good mood. But sometimes, finding the middle ground again is more important than finding another up. I go from low, to lower to high high high! In the end, wearing myself out on that darned emotional roller-coaster. Take a break, friend. You are not made to be worn out, weary, and in survival mode. Settle. Sit. Be. Okay? Pick yourself up, move slowly, walk over to the window and watch the world. Watch things go by, for just a few minutes. What have you lost by slowing down?  Exit the rat-race, it doesn't deserve you. Do not allow yourself to slowly chip off into the w...

Enneagram, you've heard of it. If not, go look it up and come back to me, I'm not an expert and I don't have time to teach you. You've done your research? Okay. Here's the tea, I have been trying to figure out what type I am for a couple weeks now. Since school has been out I've been almost listless, not feeling myself, truly puttering. When I first learned about the Enneagram, I was a two (the helper), during the school year, I felt like a three (the achiever), and now, I am a nine (the peacemaker). So many emotional things have happened to me during this winter break that I feel like I've come out a different person, reacting in ways I've never reacted before. I was helping my mom host a 25(ish) person event at my house, and was incredibly overwhelmed. Mainly my mom and certain friends of hers were the culprit. Even though I knew nearly every person there, I had to keep escaping to calm myself down. This feels very out of character for me, I of...

Christmas day is nearly over. I feel much more peace than I did earlier. Funny how family, laughter, and connection does that to you. I talked and wrote out my feelings, stopped thinking about myself, and got shit done. She's on top of it babey! The thing is, as soon as I stopped thinking about how crappy I felt, I nearly instantly felt better. BUT, one cannot just dismiss negative feelings. They must be dealt with. No burying the weeds, we pull those fuckers out. Weed number 1: Am I missing Christmas? It may feel that way, but Head is reminding me that I  gave gifts, received gifts, played holiday games, took part in advent, watched Christmas movies, and sang 'Frosty the Snowman' one too many times. I did not miss Christmas. Weed number 2: Are my friends tired of taking care of me? Perhaps. I have received a lot from them, but they've given it freely, no strings attached. What would be the purpose of attaching strings now? Doing so would negate the love that th...

I'm writing this post Christmas day, feeling confused. Overrun by sadness and grief recently, I feel as though a wind could blow me over. A kind word brings me to tears. Emotional turbulence, vulnerability, reliance. I feel weak. I prefer to be the strong person who comes in and supports others, yet I am so needy at this time. I feel guilty needing so much right now, as if people will only give me so much and then expect me to make it on my own. Do I deserve to be loved unconditionally?? Why or why not? Who gets to decide my worth? If I only leave it up to others, I will lose my own self-worth, and every negative "review" will affect me deeply. If I leave it up to only myself, I could have an over-inflated view of myself, not recognizing my flaws and mistakes, or I could dismiss my strengths and talents. I must find a balance between the two. Balance is very hard for me, I am aware of how I throw myself into things, not managing myself in the moment. A large flaw.  Le...